I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
