Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
