So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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