did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
