I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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