Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
