Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
