I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
