remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize