I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize