dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
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The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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