He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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