lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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