best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
