i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
