Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Randomize
