I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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