what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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