it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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