A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
