Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
