I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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