I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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