birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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