I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
