And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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