nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
