I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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