He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
