We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
