he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
