Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
