thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
