Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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