people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
