We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
