dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
