You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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