If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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