The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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