why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
