I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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