All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
