i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Randomize
