this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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