The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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