she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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