just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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