I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
