I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i now understand why vodka
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
