I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
