I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
