i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
