she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
