Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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