I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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