I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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