I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
